A reflection given by the Revd. Canon Rosemary Donovan
At our Memorial service in partnership
with Longhurst Funeral Directors
Tuesday 3rd December 2023
Throughout this festive season at Christ Church, we are focusing on the theme of journey. This is a thoroughly Biblical theme. Perhaps the greatest of those was the forty-year journey of the people of Israel from their harsh captivity in Egypt to the promised land of Canaan. Elsewhere, we read of Abraham stepping out in faith to leave the land of his ancestors and go to a place chosen by God. He did not know where he was going, but he knew who he would be travelling with – and that was good enough for him. We are here tonight as travelling companions on a bereavement journey. We have all experienced loss of loved ones and know what a lonely and bewildering road that can be. There is some comfort in knowing that we are not alone however unique our individual stories are.
Several years ago, I was privileged to attend a national conference entitled Taking Funerals Seriously. It was an opportunity for faith representatives and industry professionals to share their experiences of supporting grieving families and reflect on current trends and resources that could help. On display were some delicate glass statues that were created to illustrate different stages of grief. I have always wanted to share them with others and hope that they might aid our thinking tonight.
At the time I had not gone through a totally life shattering bereavement. My grandmother died when I was 11, I’d lost a couple of pets and a close friend, but I was unaware that the range of emotions I went through was a common thing. Unkind people had observed that I didn’t take death very well so I’d always tried to give myself space to grieve but nothing prepared me for the loss of my father now 5 years ago but at times still as raw as the moment itself. I found my whole sense of being altered and needed help to process my emotions. The charity Cruise was very helpful and supportive along with a Diocesan counsellor. Both introduced me to 2 concepts of processing the bereavement journey which I share tonight as a starter for 10 and in no means an authority or complete picture.
The five stages of grief model was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, and became famous after she published her book On Death and Dying in 1969. Kübler-Ross developed her model to describe people with terminal illness facing their own death. But it was soon adapted as a way of thinking about grief in general.
The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – are often talked about as if they happen in order, moving from one stage to the other. You might hear people say things like ‘Oh I’ve moved on from denial and now I think I’m entering the angry stage’. But this isn’t often the case. In fact, Kübler-Ross, in her writing, makes it clear that the stages are non-linear – people can experience these aspects of grief at different times, and they do not happen in one order. You might not experience all the stages, and you might find feelings are quite different with different bereavements.
It certainly doesn’t mean that something is wrong if you experience a whole mess of different stages and emotions, or if you never pass through some of the ‘stages.’
What are the five stages of grief?
Denial
Feeling numb is common in the early days after a bereavement. Some people at first carry on as if nothing has happened to hide from reality, keeping grief at a distance. Even if we know with our heads that someone has died it can be hard to believe that someone important is not coming back. It’s also very common to feel the presence of someone who has died, hear their voice or even see them.
Anger
Anger is a completely natural emotion, and very natural after someone dies. Death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time or you had plans for the future together. It’s also common to feel angry towards the person who has died, or angry at ourselves for things we did or didn’t do before their death. We enter into fight mode and are very defensive.
Bargaining
When we are in pain, it’s sometimes hard to accept that there’s nothing we can do to change things. Bargaining is when we start to make deals with ourselves, or perhaps with God if we’re religious. We reach out a token of an offering. We want to believe that if we act in particular ways, we will feel better. It’s also common to find ourselves going over and over things that happened in the past and asking a lot of ‘what if’ questions, wishing we could go back and change things in the hope things could have turned out differently.
Depression
Sadness and longing are what we think of most often when we think about grief. This pain can be very intense and come in waves over many months or years. Life can feel like it no longer holds any meaning which can be very scary. This is a lonely time and often we cover up our true feelings.
Acceptance
Grief comes in waves, and it can feel like nothing will ever be right again. But gradually most people find that the pain eases, and it is possible to accept what has happened. We may never ‘get over’ the death of someone precious, but we can learn to live again, while keeping the memories of those we have lost close to us.
These five stages are useful for understanding some of the different reactions you might have to a death. But it’s important to remember that every grief journey is unique.
Growing around grief is a model created by grief counsellor Lois Tonkin. Tonkin came up with the model after speaking to a client about the death of their child. The woman told Tonkin that at first grief filled every part of her life. She drew a picture with a circle to represent her life and shading to indicate her grief. It was all consuming.
She had thought that as time went by the grief would shrink and become a much smaller part of her life. But what happened was different. The grief stayed just as big, but her life grew around it. There were times where she felt the grief as intensely as when her child first died. But there were other times where she felt she lived her life in the space outside the circle.
I do not presume to stand here and tell you what to feel. What I have shared may resonate it may not. As a representative of the church and as a person of faith I still needed time to process my own bereavement journey, and I know it’s not over. Even when I was angry or bewildered, I found comfort in knowing that God was with me in my pain. The Christ Child that we celebrate at this time of year is Emmanuel, God with us and I recalled words of comfort in the Psalms like the beautiful ones read tonight where the psalmist describes how God knows him intimately, or when King David was in anguish over the loss of his son and he states, “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” 34:18
I also remembered words from a famous yet anonymous poem some of you may be familiar with entitled Footprints where the distressed character asks,
Lord, you said that once I decided to follow You,
We would walk side by side through life;
but when I needed You the most,
I saw only one set of footprints in the sand.
And noted this reply,
"I love You and I would never leave You.
During your times of trial and suffering, when you see
only ones set of footprints, it was then that I carried You."
We all need to be held and carried through this time of great uncertainty and the knowledge that our loved ones never really leave us but are close by in our hearts and our memories can help. I have certainly felt my dad’s presence at key moments and I know my little dog Strider is waiting for me over the Rainbow bridge. I treasure the times we had together and know that the pain of grief is only intense because of the joy of love which I wouldn’t have been without.
What have I learnt on my bereavement journey is that
Grief is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot.
All of that unspent love gathers up in the corner of your eyes,
the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest.
Grief is just love with no place to go.
At this time of year, the pain of grief can be more intense with so much emphasis on family or loved ones. We would want to encourage you to hold onto the special memories of your loved ones, to feel them and acknowledge them. With the order of service, we gave out a card with a dove on it. Take it out and hold it now. Remember a happy time with your loved ones. The Church of England slogan this year is calm and bright – can you think of anyone who needs to hear the angels message this Christmas and lift their names in a silent prayer. Do take this card home, cut out the dove and maybe write the name or names of your loved ones in your memories on the reverse and hang it on your tree so they can be present with you and may the Peace of Christ, the prince of peace be ours this Christmas time and always, Amen.
RAD 03/12/24
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